“I want to think again of dangerous and noble things. I want to be light and frolicsome. I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing”
This past week I wrote this on the newsletter.. & I thought I would share it here on this post as it is fresh on my mind...
Sitting here, sipping my coffee, on this bright yet foggy early Sunday morning - I have that message rolling over in my mind. I think it is because it is what I want.
I’m suspicious that it is because of my age that I feel so detached from this way of being. Old enough to know better. To feel the weight of all that matters. To grasp that it is all finite. To have a life brimming with responsibility, with people and tasks that rely upon me. Old enough to not be carefree because I must take care not to drop the ball, or else I let more down than just myself.
But, I am young enough to have not yet shed the angst of burdening myself with junk that doesn’t matter, not really. It’s like I can see it there, weighing on me, but I can not yet wise up and shake it off.
Or perhaps it is all just because I over-think everything, am a bit neurotic, tingle with the curse/blessing of being Highly Sensitive.
Whatever it is, I was once that way, and I miss it. It doesn’t have to look the exact same way - throwing all caution to the wind, riding off into the sunset so bright I hadn’t a clue what I was getting myself into until I was there. But that confidence - that confidence that made me certain of my courage, that made me feel weightless and boundless and free - that confidence feels muted in comparison to how it once was. And I miss it.
Maybe that’s because that is how it is supposed to be. Maybe that is youth. Maybe that is mostly just dangerous and improbable. So it dulls with time to protect us and ours. Maybe this confidence I feel now - a greater confidence in who I AM, my worth, what I have to offer and contribute - is a trade off for that wildness that once was. I guess we shall see. But I’ve been thinking about it.
Here are some things that have made my week.
this wild rice - for being my families new favorite..
this Chemex - for being a gift to me from my thoughtful wife. And its amazing cuppa..
this coriander - for allowing us to put garden freshness on our plates year round..
these earrings - for their simple beauty that I will be able to wear in two weeks time when my holes have healed..
this call for "Magical powers" - for the incredible little mind that wrote it..